There is a feeling that may be common for a lot of queer folks who find themselves in queer-oriented spaces. At the height of good times spent with people you feel safe with, there comes that imposter voice echoing hurt from deep inside you: “You’re not queer enough.”
Regardless of changes we make for ourselves, whether it’s to our body, hair or style — there can be insecurities that arise when in the company of other queer folk.
My own imposter voice holds the mark of being perceived as someone I am not. In my gender expression, the majority of it being masculine, I still dive into realms of femininity that help me feel like I am able to live within both expressions. I am well aware of who I am and what my truth is … but the whole world isn’t.
The English language is incredibly gendered, to the point where it’s hard to avoid being misgendered. Language like “sir” or “ma’am” presents harm for those of us who don’t align with our assigned sex. Certain words can trigger dysphoria, a feeling of being perceived other than how we perceive ourselves, which feeds into insecurity that makes us question our queerness. We may ask ourselves, “Am I even queer enough to be in this space?” or “Do other queer folk see me as something other than how I identify?”
This is the part where I take a deep breath in … then exhale … because I am ready to validate myself, and also anyone else who is feeling this awful trigger.
Your queerness is yours — it’s for you and is incredibly unique — and it’s tied to your own personal individuality that fits the journey you are on. I’ve spent years comparing myself to others around me and still occasionally find it hard to break that cycle. However, we have to find ways to ground ourselves and realize the truth: There is no one way and no wrong way to be queer.
Whatever we need to feel affirmed, we must seek it out. It can be mentally taxing, but when we find what makes our bodies feel like home, we are reminded how valuable our efforts are.
Perfection is so ingrained in our society, which glamorizes the hustle. Both are byproducts of capitalism. When we spend our time comparing ourselves to others, we are often distracted from what matters the most: assessing our own personal needs and what fits best for our journeys. When going through transitions in our identity, we must remember our truths.
Aligning with ourselves is not a perfect road, which is why I believe failure is just an opportunity for us to grow. There’s no skill needed to define our own queerness; just giving respect to and space for our fluidity feels so damn enriching. You are queer enough, you are trans enough and when you start to uncover what feels right for you, then you are able to move through this world mindfully. We find where we belong and hopefully get a chance to gracefully find what feels more like home.
Read more of the Feb. 21–27, 2024 issue.